Dystopia

A dystopia (from the Greek δυσ- and τόπος, alternatively, cacotopia, kakotopia, or simply anti-utopia) is a community or society that is undesirable or frightening. It is translated as "not-good place", an antonym of utopia, a term that was coined by Sir Thomas More and figures as the title of his most well-known work, Utopia (the blueprint for an ideal society with minimal crime, violence and poverty). Dystopian societies appear in many artistic works, particularly in stories set in the future. Some of the most famous examples are George Orwell's 1984 and Aldous Huxley's Brave New World. Dystopias are often characterized by dehumanization, totalitarian governments, environmental disaster, or other characteristics associated with a cataclysmic decline in society. Dystopian societies appear in many subgenres of fiction and are often used to draw attention to real-world issues regarding society, environment, politics, economics, religion, psychology, ethics, science, and/or technology. Some authors however also use the term to refer to actually-existing societies, many of which are or have been totalitarian polities, or societies in an advanced state of collapse and disintegration. An attempt to draw together and compare both the fictional and real dystopias has been made in Gregory Claeys's Dystopia: A Natural History (Oxford University Press, 2016). Wikipedia

I don´t actually know what to say. I have been feeling so empty this past week. I was out with my best friend and we went to a club, I was so happy and I really felt true joy when I saw her dance, she never dances. But then something hit me, so many people, with so many emotions, it was just too much. Now I feel isolated and at the same time I miss people and energy. 

Every time these kind of feelings hits me, it is so confusing. What do I really feel? Who I really am? What I even want to do? Do I really exist? 

Some how dystopia makes me feel peace, the whole world seem so chaotic at the moment and I always reason it even more chaotic in my head. I try to find different sides of everything, analyze things and find beauty in ugliness. People. You make me feel crazy and sane at the same time. I don´t know does that even make any sense.

My whole life and existence seems so.. beyond. I am lifted from being just some material, I feel like I am part of everything and still nothing. Everything seems to have a deeper meaning and it matters. Still it doesn´t. At all. Nothing does. Does it?

All I want to do is make people happy. But if I can´t even make myself happy, how do I do that? I am so done being depressed. I miss me. After I realized how much I changed last year, I have only wanted my old self back. Although before last year, I hated me. But what I actually hate, is being feelingless. I love being super loud, super happy, super smiley. I want to dance, make my friends laugh and tell random people why they are awesome. I love giving unbirthday gifts, do good things without any reason, speak stuff that doesn´t make any sense. I love life. I love love.

So maybe I should. Starting today (again) I do stuff that makes me happy, so I can YOU guys happy too! Seeing all shades of blue, while being blue.