Life update (let´s do our best)

Dear darklings,

my rehabilitation ended this week. I had my last check visit in Verve and I am totally ready for working world. That seems so weird. We talked about how much I have changed. When I started at Verve (place where they help you find your career path if you have physical or mental problems) I went there and cried every damn day. I needed a lot of help even with my cv. And now, I am at school and learning how to start my own business. I am making my own plans, by myself and that is something that feels truly great. 2 weeks has already passed, 4 to go. I am learning so much, I have so much inspiration and my plans has sharpened. 

I still have a lot of time before the company is really coming true, because of many things (that´s life), so I have been thinking what to do while waiting my dream to come true. I want to use my time carefully. Doing maybe something that helps me with my goal. I have been thinking about doing more school. Maybe marketing, because that I really love to do already, that would help with the company too. Or maybe freelance photographing. Maybe I fully focus on my photography project and book and do that. Maybe I put FAM on totally next level. Many options. I am glad that I am in that point in my life that I have many passions that I love and I can work with. I am also blessed with friends and a partner that wants to help and support me. I can do anything that I want.

Because all of that, I have been very inspired to help my friends to find passion and goals in life too. I have helped couple of my friends already and that feels great. Somehow supporting and trying to figure out what might be the path for my friends inspire me in my own life too. I feel great. If any of you have that same problem (it seems to be more common than I thought), let me know, let´s figure out something together! Only sky is the limit (unless you want to be a pilot or something) if you really dream about something. And it doesn´t need to be anything big. It could even be a hobby that you enjoy that brings value in your life. That makes you happy and balance the stressing work life. Or maybe you don´t work and don´t have hobbies and feel like you don´t have anything special in your life. I suggest you try things that even little makes you feel worth trying for. Maybe you will be good at it, or maybe you don´t. At least you tried, figured you don´t like it, or maybe you do like it and enjoy doing it. It doesn´t matter how good you are doing something, if it is the thing that feels well.. being your thing. So dear darkling, just try and learn and enjoy life.

Even my hair has a story. Well, mostly it´s orange/yellow because of the autumn and my love for it. But it also represent my inspiration and bubbly feeling for the future, and even how I feel today. All the excitement, all the inspiration, all the happiness. I feel bright and and very pleased. That is so rare to me that I want to fully enjoy this. And I want to show it and share it with others.  I have gone such a rough path, lots of pain, lots of tears, lots of fear and letdowns. Still, I want to always be positive, reach my dreams, be the best friend I can be and inspire others. I want to be the person that I admire myself. Because you are the most important person in your life. You are the one that make the changes, you are the one that make the decisions, your are the one that is your own best friend. You need to enjoy your own company, love yourself and just be proudly, you. No one else can do that for you. They can help and support, but you are the one living YOUR life. You deserve the best. And by best I mean the quality, the value and being safe. And by that I mean little things in life that makes your whole life. Meaningful moments turns to memories you cherish your whole life. Happy and hard moments change you, you learn, it will shape you to be the person who you are today. It´s okey to feel sad, angry and all those that we seems to see negative. But remember to do shadow work. Accept your feelings, work with them and learn about yourself. 

So, the conclusion for my rant this time, go for it, be you, do your thing. If you are scared, let me say, so am I. Don´t let the fear be in your way. You can´t be brave unless you are afraid (like it´s said in Lion King). And also, take care for yourself. It seems to be a thing that seem so easy and simple but we tend to forget that. I started to do some exercise again, I smoke a lot less and eat a lot healthier. I feel way better. Because of that I need less sleep than I normally do (I sleep like 9-12 hours per day). 

Today I am doing some photoshop editing, some school stuff and maybe doing some shadow work with a friend that truly needs it. I hope it helps and make things seem more clear (to me and my friend). Myself, hmm.. I have some anger issues. I don´t deal with my anger, I hide it under bitterness. And that´s not good. So I need to work with that. I can´t wait to see what else hides in the shadows of my mind.

Things I love at the moment:

• ♥ Music: Electro Swing/ Lindsey Stirling Artemis album
• ♥ Witch fashion
• ♥ Orange and yellow
• ♥ School
• ♥ Autumn Aesthetic
• ♥ Tv- series: Terrace House / Fairy Tail
• ♥ Inspiring others

Blessed be,

shine bright my loves!

What about me?

Past few months I have been just playing games. I have forgot myself, who I am. Don´t get me wrong, I love playing games, specially BDO at the moment, but I haven´t had any time (or want), to do anything else. I have seen few of my bestest friends lately and they all seem to say the same thing (they know me too well and notice stuff that even I don´t), that I have been lost lately and not feeling that good. 

It is mostly because of my depression phase, but let´s face it, I haven´t really been fighting towards the light that much. And suddenly I realize, after my friend saying, if you feel good, you feel good and when you don´t, you just don´t. It may seem very clear but I really needed to hear it and I realized what it meant. Damn, I really need to fight for my happiness. And also enjoy my happiness. I just can´t stay where I am at the moment, I need to live my life, how I dream of it to be. I have all the tools for it to happen, I just need to put some effort to it.

You can see the forgetting part from my chaos home, my never ending to do list, not finishing anything, even my hair is all gloomy and doesn´t have the happy color anymore. I actually wanted to dye it back to black, because I just don´t feel that colorful anymore. But I want to be the colorful me.

I have had so many plans about the future and got so stressed about it I forgot the most important thing of all. We live at the present. And as the word says, we should care about it, like a gift, not throw it away. I miss being me, like one of my other friend said, I too, miss the laughing Leena.

I didn´t find my last post about the happy real me, so few pictures may be the same, but heck, let´s just see what kind of person I really am and I hope my real true self made somebody else feel happy, because that is my true life goal, make people around me happy.

I feel happier already for watching all the happy memories I have been trough over the years. 2008 and 2009 there weren´t a lot of happy pictures because I was so sick. But every year there are more and more smiling Leena. I feel happy to see the progress in my life. All the pictures are from 2005 to this year. It was a hard choice to choose which friend pictures to put in, I smile in every last one of them. So here is few and if you see yourself and not want to include yourself in the post, please say it to me.

Be happy, be you.

Blessed be my dears.

Ulvinde

What I have been doing? Where I have been? Well, lately all over. I am super exited about new photoshoots and using my creative energy to photos and new projects. Many of the projects are the ones I have been thinking of doing for years. This year I will do every idea I haven´t in some reason done already. No more excuses.  Can´t wait to show you the new pictures. The first photoshoot I had this year by modeling myself was these beautiful pastel goth pictures which I took with Annielina Stenberg. My hair finally came out like it should have been in the first place.

Also this year I want to try every possible field of jobs I want to do. Just trying and seeing what kind of different kind of jobs are, I think I will find my own place, finally. My rehabilitation is going super well, I can even wake up in the morning and do things the whole day. It hasn´t happen in years. I also started new medication which seems to be working, I don´t cry and I feel very stable and my normal self with all the energy. Now that I don´t cry for hours everyday, I really can enjoy life the fullest. People who don´t want to understand how hard is to live with depression, should try to live someone´s life who has it. All the pain has bring me new ways of thinking. I see way more clearly, I want to people have their own space and opinions. I don´t want to impose my own sentiment to others. Well, best friends still has their part of my emotional break downs and certain strong opinions but I realized I am me, and they are them. It feels so good, it is like I am finally free of my ego´s demand of mirroring others reactions. It still happens some times, but way less than before.

Things that lead to this were few bad arguments with my best friends, I realized how selfish I have been. I really want to be better friend. I really want to be the better me. I don´t anymore want to be anybody else. I am enough, and because I always do the stuff I love at the moment, my own company feels great. I feel happy alone and when I am with others. I hope it comes trough with my pictures, I have this certain mood about silence, peace and moody atmosphere. Altough I am not in the silence at the moment, I am listening one of my favorite albums this year Myrkur´s M. With all the eerie and almost creepy beautiful voice and with the elements of witchy sounds and black metal, I just feel like myself while listening her. I feel like going to some other world or feel like creating something. I am probably going to see her concert in Helsinki next week, If you are there, come and say hi!

"And like a shadow upon the skies fell

my evil child I listen to you tonight

I turn off the day, the storm takes hold

the kingdom of death whispers my name in the long night

they thirst for our pure blood

together we walk in the shadow of what disappeared

the useless creatures fell

but they must honor us by the foot of the tree"

Today´s outfit

Choker: Purple Octopus Jewellery
Necklace: Hongatar Crafts

Shirt: Fleamarket 

Leather pants: Vera Moda

Shoes: Second hand