Life update (let´s do our best)

Dear darklings,

my rehabilitation ended this week. I had my last check visit in Verve and I am totally ready for working world. That seems so weird. We talked about how much I have changed. When I started at Verve (place where they help you find your career path if you have physical or mental problems) I went there and cried every damn day. I needed a lot of help even with my cv. And now, I am at school and learning how to start my own business. I am making my own plans, by myself and that is something that feels truly great. 2 weeks has already passed, 4 to go. I am learning so much, I have so much inspiration and my plans has sharpened. 

I still have a lot of time before the company is really coming true, because of many things (that´s life), so I have been thinking what to do while waiting my dream to come true. I want to use my time carefully. Doing maybe something that helps me with my goal. I have been thinking about doing more school. Maybe marketing, because that I really love to do already, that would help with the company too. Or maybe freelance photographing. Maybe I fully focus on my photography project and book and do that. Maybe I put FAM on totally next level. Many options. I am glad that I am in that point in my life that I have many passions that I love and I can work with. I am also blessed with friends and a partner that wants to help and support me. I can do anything that I want.

Because all of that, I have been very inspired to help my friends to find passion and goals in life too. I have helped couple of my friends already and that feels great. Somehow supporting and trying to figure out what might be the path for my friends inspire me in my own life too. I feel great. If any of you have that same problem (it seems to be more common than I thought), let me know, let´s figure out something together! Only sky is the limit (unless you want to be a pilot or something) if you really dream about something. And it doesn´t need to be anything big. It could even be a hobby that you enjoy that brings value in your life. That makes you happy and balance the stressing work life. Or maybe you don´t work and don´t have hobbies and feel like you don´t have anything special in your life. I suggest you try things that even little makes you feel worth trying for. Maybe you will be good at it, or maybe you don´t. At least you tried, figured you don´t like it, or maybe you do like it and enjoy doing it. It doesn´t matter how good you are doing something, if it is the thing that feels well.. being your thing. So dear darkling, just try and learn and enjoy life.

Even my hair has a story. Well, mostly it´s orange/yellow because of the autumn and my love for it. But it also represent my inspiration and bubbly feeling for the future, and even how I feel today. All the excitement, all the inspiration, all the happiness. I feel bright and and very pleased. That is so rare to me that I want to fully enjoy this. And I want to show it and share it with others.  I have gone such a rough path, lots of pain, lots of tears, lots of fear and letdowns. Still, I want to always be positive, reach my dreams, be the best friend I can be and inspire others. I want to be the person that I admire myself. Because you are the most important person in your life. You are the one that make the changes, you are the one that make the decisions, your are the one that is your own best friend. You need to enjoy your own company, love yourself and just be proudly, you. No one else can do that for you. They can help and support, but you are the one living YOUR life. You deserve the best. And by best I mean the quality, the value and being safe. And by that I mean little things in life that makes your whole life. Meaningful moments turns to memories you cherish your whole life. Happy and hard moments change you, you learn, it will shape you to be the person who you are today. It´s okey to feel sad, angry and all those that we seems to see negative. But remember to do shadow work. Accept your feelings, work with them and learn about yourself. 

So, the conclusion for my rant this time, go for it, be you, do your thing. If you are scared, let me say, so am I. Don´t let the fear be in your way. You can´t be brave unless you are afraid (like it´s said in Lion King). And also, take care for yourself. It seems to be a thing that seem so easy and simple but we tend to forget that. I started to do some exercise again, I smoke a lot less and eat a lot healthier. I feel way better. Because of that I need less sleep than I normally do (I sleep like 9-12 hours per day). 

Today I am doing some photoshop editing, some school stuff and maybe doing some shadow work with a friend that truly needs it. I hope it helps and make things seem more clear (to me and my friend). Myself, hmm.. I have some anger issues. I don´t deal with my anger, I hide it under bitterness. And that´s not good. So I need to work with that. I can´t wait to see what else hides in the shadows of my mind.

Things I love at the moment:

• ♥ Music: Electro Swing/ Lindsey Stirling Artemis album
• ♥ Witch fashion
• ♥ Orange and yellow
• ♥ School
• ♥ Autumn Aesthetic
• ♥ Tv- series: Terrace House / Fairy Tail
• ♥ Inspiring others

Blessed be,

shine bright my loves!

Imbolc 2018

What inspires me the most at the moment is my witchcraft. When I think about nature, wicca, witchy things and all the little details, I just feel me the most. It is very empowering feeling. This year feels so good, all the vibes are just right and everything seems to work the way I imagine it. All the photoshoots goes so well, my way to working life is doing great, my new meds are working and I don´t just cry all the time.. I have this amazing energy in me which I want to use in creative way. 

Imbolc (pagan Sabbath which you celebrate 1.-2.2.) has inspired me to do more crafts and even decorate my home in Sabbath colors and make some certain mood in our home. To me Imbolc represent white, the white snow is so pure, there is no negativity, it is like new sheet of paper, you can write or draw anything you like. Pinterest came my life again in such a big way and I fell in love with the ideas of minimalistic in decor, just little details that makes the atmosphere. Candles, white, curtains, white. I really love the old jars that has been waiting for some new use for my crafting projects, but actually they look perfect as candle holders. After I took these pictures I washed more jars so now our table in living room will be the same mood.

This sabbath inspires me to white goth style and channel some moon energy. I am so into crystals at the moment, I just wish I have money to buy more. I want to learn more about them and make my home energy to have more flow to it. Also I am interested how to use them in healing or in my own personal life. Any gem fans out there?

I also started few bigger projects I will show you after I am done with them, but the beginning/ test run you can see in the window. Last Imbolc I gathered some wood from the forest and I finally got some string and I want some big witchy decor on my walls that I have made myself. There is also coming some dreamcatchers and paintings that I have been thinking on putting to the walls. I am so hyped about this month, can´t wait to show what else I have been doing! I am so gonna celebrate Imbolc the whole month. 

Blessed be darklings.

Be true to yourself.

Ulvinde

What I have been doing? Where I have been? Well, lately all over. I am super exited about new photoshoots and using my creative energy to photos and new projects. Many of the projects are the ones I have been thinking of doing for years. This year I will do every idea I haven´t in some reason done already. No more excuses.  Can´t wait to show you the new pictures. The first photoshoot I had this year by modeling myself was these beautiful pastel goth pictures which I took with Annielina Stenberg. My hair finally came out like it should have been in the first place.

Also this year I want to try every possible field of jobs I want to do. Just trying and seeing what kind of different kind of jobs are, I think I will find my own place, finally. My rehabilitation is going super well, I can even wake up in the morning and do things the whole day. It hasn´t happen in years. I also started new medication which seems to be working, I don´t cry and I feel very stable and my normal self with all the energy. Now that I don´t cry for hours everyday, I really can enjoy life the fullest. People who don´t want to understand how hard is to live with depression, should try to live someone´s life who has it. All the pain has bring me new ways of thinking. I see way more clearly, I want to people have their own space and opinions. I don´t want to impose my own sentiment to others. Well, best friends still has their part of my emotional break downs and certain strong opinions but I realized I am me, and they are them. It feels so good, it is like I am finally free of my ego´s demand of mirroring others reactions. It still happens some times, but way less than before.

Things that lead to this were few bad arguments with my best friends, I realized how selfish I have been. I really want to be better friend. I really want to be the better me. I don´t anymore want to be anybody else. I am enough, and because I always do the stuff I love at the moment, my own company feels great. I feel happy alone and when I am with others. I hope it comes trough with my pictures, I have this certain mood about silence, peace and moody atmosphere. Altough I am not in the silence at the moment, I am listening one of my favorite albums this year Myrkur´s M. With all the eerie and almost creepy beautiful voice and with the elements of witchy sounds and black metal, I just feel like myself while listening her. I feel like going to some other world or feel like creating something. I am probably going to see her concert in Helsinki next week, If you are there, come and say hi!

"And like a shadow upon the skies fell

my evil child I listen to you tonight

I turn off the day, the storm takes hold

the kingdom of death whispers my name in the long night

they thirst for our pure blood

together we walk in the shadow of what disappeared

the useless creatures fell

but they must honor us by the foot of the tree"

Today´s outfit

Choker: Purple Octopus Jewellery
Necklace: Hongatar Crafts

Shirt: Fleamarket 

Leather pants: Vera Moda

Shoes: Second hand

Winter 2017

After this years Lumous (which was month ago) I realize I haven´t been blogging and seeing few of my blog readers, who are still hanging there (although I don´t post anymore that often) I got such a boost for blogging again and I waited a little for new idea for my blog look and which way I want this to go. I have so many pictures that I haven´t use, this year has been such a great year.

My year started for me to fuck up my redside and dyeing my whole hair black. I was so frustrated about it I decided to change my whole look and do black/grey ombre hair. It looked so nice. I had huge decoration inspiration, I bought new things and changed the whole bedroom look and moved the bed and wanted the whole apartment look like viking/witchy. Fairylights everywhere and candles, it was so pretty and I really liked the atmosphere.

I saw many of my friends and had such a girl bonding moments (add lots of hearts here). I was in a such big depression phase, I don´t even know what I would have done without my friends. I love you hella lot.

Valentine´s day was again amazing, I got a little heart cake and you can see on the corner that even my cat liked it (damn you Freya).

I went in Helsinki (I was again a whole week, partying, photoshoot, friends, tattoos) to Pretty in Ink continue my Harley, it still need some for. My Harley hot pants are amazing, (they are still my favorite hot pants) got them from Deadfine.fi. I have such a big tattoo fever again.. want more! But I still have like 5 tattoos unfinished.. maybe finish them and then new ones? A hella lot new ones!

Glad to be back, love you guys, stay spooky! My blog is in progress for new look, totally in love with Life is strange at the moment. I even have blue nail polish at the moment like wtf man..

Dystopia

A dystopia (from the Greek δυσ- and τόπος, alternatively, cacotopia, kakotopia, or simply anti-utopia) is a community or society that is undesirable or frightening. It is translated as "not-good place", an antonym of utopia, a term that was coined by Sir Thomas More and figures as the title of his most well-known work, Utopia (the blueprint for an ideal society with minimal crime, violence and poverty). Dystopian societies appear in many artistic works, particularly in stories set in the future. Some of the most famous examples are George Orwell's 1984 and Aldous Huxley's Brave New World. Dystopias are often characterized by dehumanization, totalitarian governments, environmental disaster, or other characteristics associated with a cataclysmic decline in society. Dystopian societies appear in many subgenres of fiction and are often used to draw attention to real-world issues regarding society, environment, politics, economics, religion, psychology, ethics, science, and/or technology. Some authors however also use the term to refer to actually-existing societies, many of which are or have been totalitarian polities, or societies in an advanced state of collapse and disintegration. An attempt to draw together and compare both the fictional and real dystopias has been made in Gregory Claeys's Dystopia: A Natural History (Oxford University Press, 2016). Wikipedia

I don´t actually know what to say. I have been feeling so empty this past week. I was out with my best friend and we went to a club, I was so happy and I really felt true joy when I saw her dance, she never dances. But then something hit me, so many people, with so many emotions, it was just too much. Now I feel isolated and at the same time I miss people and energy. 

Every time these kind of feelings hits me, it is so confusing. What do I really feel? Who I really am? What I even want to do? Do I really exist? 

Some how dystopia makes me feel peace, the whole world seem so chaotic at the moment and I always reason it even more chaotic in my head. I try to find different sides of everything, analyze things and find beauty in ugliness. People. You make me feel crazy and sane at the same time. I don´t know does that even make any sense.

My whole life and existence seems so.. beyond. I am lifted from being just some material, I feel like I am part of everything and still nothing. Everything seems to have a deeper meaning and it matters. Still it doesn´t. At all. Nothing does. Does it?

All I want to do is make people happy. But if I can´t even make myself happy, how do I do that? I am so done being depressed. I miss me. After I realized how much I changed last year, I have only wanted my old self back. Although before last year, I hated me. But what I actually hate, is being feelingless. I love being super loud, super happy, super smiley. I want to dance, make my friends laugh and tell random people why they are awesome. I love giving unbirthday gifts, do good things without any reason, speak stuff that doesn´t make any sense. I love life. I love love.

So maybe I should. Starting today (again) I do stuff that makes me happy, so I can YOU guys happy too! Seeing all shades of blue, while being blue.

New year resolutions

I am going trough last years pictures and videos, I am making new video diary series, now that I have already shooted everything (episode every week!). I am missing my nails from last spring.. and my long straight red and black hair. My hair is all black now, because I messed up my dyes, damn it! But it will come back soon, I have already bought new silver colors, can´t wait to show you my new style soon!

Last year was very difficult for me, many people left from my life, but I got so many new ones and the old best ones, well they are the best for reason right? I feel the change in me. I am def not the same person I was before. Trust is the main thing these days. I am still super open for my best friends, but other people, opening up is so hard. I can just feel the words and feeling coming up and then.. nothing. I just can´t anymore. Maybe it is a good thing. I am not that type of "normal" finn, I always do what I want, speak everything that comes in mind, I love hugging even strangers and helping is my thing. So maybe, becoming more adult I guess, I can finally understand people who aren´t that open to others. I don´t, still, never want to become cold and selfish, I just couldn´t. If there is so much bad in the world, karma always get its way and there are always someone who´s day you can bright.. yeah, I don´t want become cold, never. So my new years resolution is to become more like me. Again. Love life, love people, love animals, love nature, do the stuff I love the most. I feel better already just thinking about this!

Corset: Sanna Von Steam

Jeans: Spirit store

Jewelry: Purple Octopus Jewellery

Nails: Bella made my nails

What else..

• I want FAM to grow, 
• I want my own pages to grow.. 
• I want to get passport and get at least one time in my life go pass my fear of going further from Finland.
• I will pass one other fear from my never ending list (last year it was the horses)
• I want to go music festival with my friends
• Medieval festival also!
• I will go Tracon with my bestest friends and have uber time
• More concerts and gigs
• I will keep my home clean (haha I wish!)
• We will go more to our summerhouse this summer and I will start my summer garden
• I will start my herb kitchen
• More plants in the bedroom
• Spring cleaning and new balcony 
• BatFit 2017 will be wicked
• I pay my loans, all of them (how adult but they stress me a lot)
• I will full my arms with tattoos (oh yeah!)
• Do things like I want them to do and stop please people
• Start streaming games on Twitch and Youtube
• Do vlogging and Youtube at least once a week
• Blog at least once a week
• Paint and draw more

Oh deer!

So! I headed towards Rauma to get new tattoo at ChAosInk. I wanted a chestpiece, something that is so me and not that everyone have. Animal skulls has become more kind of a thing lately, but not that much I guess.. And it is totally cool to see what others have took! Anyway, every kind of horned animal is symbol of God to me, so this one really mean a lot to me. Wolfie and deer is now part of Finland´s nature, directly on me, I am so happy! I feel like I have the forest on me. I wanted deer to be realistic, just as the wolfie is, it came up even better I hoped for! Now I am thinking should I get something on the backround.. my first idea was just a skull but.. maybe little vines would look cool?

Last month.. oh what can I say? I am back on my eating and workouts, today is arm day. My cleaning and decorating is finally getting somewhere, I can do kitchen and bedroom post pretty soon, yes! My little cabinet of curiosities is getting bigger and bigger and my friend came by for a coffee the other day, she just kept watching all the little things I have on the shelf, I really love when people like them just as much as I do.

When I am outside and waiting the bus or visiting my friend and stay the night, I keep at least one book with me, lately I have been reading Hannibal trilogy, loooving it! I have read them 3 times now, 4th time, here we come! And when I go to visit my bestie Vicky I always buy icecream and then read my little Pony comics on her sofa. If you like the show, you like the comics too, they are so amazing!

And I finally learned how to make cookies. Of course mine are colorful and all Halloweenie. The tasted so good! When I am baking and waiting what ever I am doing to get done, I read Harry Potter on the kitchen (or some other book) and drink cocoa or coffee from my newest favorite mug which I got from Tracon, Friendship is magic, but magic is heresy, I love crossovers! The print reminds me of me and my husband, he hates MLP and I don´t like his game that much so.. It is just perfect. And it got blood and rainbow coming from Pinkie Pie, come on, that is insanely wicked!

My place to work is just perfect this time of year

I went to see my other besties new apartment few weeks ago. Forest on her back yard just blew me away. And she adopted new little kitten, El Diablo, he is purely little devil I can say. Even cuter that way! Breakfast was great everymorning, I really need to get the same toppings on my bread, it tasted so good and I would have never realized it was vegan if I didn´t knew that already. My breakfast times included reading Sandman and Lenore, perfect way to start the day right?!

I wish you have had just as great starting of autumn as me! And it is not over yet, Samhain is coming fast!!

I started to play Tera, altought I changed my name to Pinkamena